I was a tatooed mother dove

[TheFormOfaDove]

I was a tattoed mother dove

This is for Jake


I am just a normal guy. I was hired to do some yard work by this fellow here in Arizona. Nothing fantastic or amazing, just some raking and pruning. I had been at it all day when the home owner ( Jerry ) had instructed me to pull a broken branch from a eucalyptus tree. “Nothing” I thought, and with a few quick tugs the branch came crashing to the ground. With the chain saw and brush choppers Jerry and I made quick work of the fallen branch. All the while speaking of religion. You see, Jerry Is a theologian. And I am a recovering catholic. So of cores I had questions for him. I must say this did take Jerry by surprise as my appearance is quite jarring, I am almost 6foot tall about 200 pounds and with way too many tattoos, mean looking on the surface. The kind of guy that makes you hold your purse close and your children closer. I like that, you see I don’t like people all that much. They lie, they cheat and they steal. Animals, now there is a creation! Simplistic, pure, they tell you what they need and you had better listen cause they’ll just keep telling you what they want until you get it.

So I am picking up leaves and small branches and telling Jerry “ I pray, but of late and what is going on in my life I’m just not getting answers” And then it happened. I reached into a pile of broken leaves and branches and this little golf ball sized bit of life hopped into my hand. Mind you we had been stomping about, chopping and sawing, In spite of us, this little ball of life dared to change my life. Work stopped! My life at that point stopped.

I think I must tell you a bit more back ground before ( Jake ) entered my life. I am in Arizona on trial for something that …well I did not do what I am accused of. I am living with and Ex mother in law and she has taken me under her wing, she above all others knows my heart, and to be honest I don’t give a rats ass who knows me or not. I used to live here and after the break up of a bad relationship I left. ( not my ex wife mind you) I went home to New Jersey. I was lost and confused, hurt beyond hurt. Then Katrina Hit and I knew what I had to do. I was watching the news one night and saw how the local police where shooting pit bulls. I could not see this as they are sweet animals. So I made a B line for New Orleans. Took me a little more then a day to get there and I held up in Gonzales Louisiana at a place called The Lamar Dixon Expo center. An equestrian place. In three months I crawled under houses by my self and with others, have had homes near collapsing on me, mud, muck , snakes and, seen things most folks should never see. I stayed in a tent. No hot water, no real food ( to speak of) electricity or any other creature comforts. And I was HAPPY! The look, the feeling of getting one of these guys out, snarling, growling and snapping. Getting them out and to a place where they will eat and be warm and not scared…. This was heaven to me. The satisfaction of going in to a kennel and seeing a dog I pulled out, fighting me every inch of the way, and having them lick my face…. They don’t make drugs that would have you feel like that.

In those few months I found it, I found what we all ( I think) look for in life. My reason for being.

After being there for a few months I found a small place and was getting comfortable, doing things to help folks that did not have money refurbish their homes. And still helping animals. I met an incredible woman, the once in a life time kind of woman. I found heaven on earth in chaos. I did find after a year of doing this, that a warrant for my arrest was issued, I turned my self in and have had my spirit piece by piece chipped away from me. No more word from God, alone with every little thing I worked for gone. And then Jake, a reminder of what im ****ing here for. A small little defiant bit of life reminding me that , though everything you had was lost, though you are feeling alone, something will come and help you, even if you don’t want it. Something that needs you for who you are. So here he sits with me, daring me to keep going cause he needs my help. Just a dove, a little bird that people see many of every day.

You see, Doves to me are more then just birds, they are a reminder of Gods presents to me. They are lost love and hope for new love at the same time. They bond for life and are monogamous. They are to me perfect.

I used to tell my kids that when they slept at night guardian angels would watch over them. My step daughter asked why she could not see them, I told her they waited until she was asleep and she was very please with this and it worked well until, she asked if the angels watched her during the day. I told her that yes they do, she said “ well, I’m awake then so I should be able to see them”. I had to think fast so I told her that they turn into little birds. And that is why we should feed them. Cause then they need us to watch out for them. You know she is 15 now and still feeds the birds.

Little did I know that one day I would have to care for a guardian angel.

4 days later, I came home from work and took the box down. I knew something was wrong. I did not get the urgent peeps that I had grown accustomed to. The kind of sound that would cause a smile to be cracked across an otherwise granite face. I opened the box and Jake was very still. Frantic I called a local vet, while holding Jake in my hand, he opened his eyes gave me one last look and slipped away. I don’t even know if I said goodbye to the person on the phone. He waited for me to come home. He waited to say goodbye to me is what I like to think. So sweet and so tough.

Jake never knew the rush of wind under him, but for 4 days I felt the sun on my face again, I felt wind rush under me. It hurts so much to think of him and at the same time I can not help but smile. After all, I had a tiny beak up my nose. Some times when a door is opened I hear a faint squeak and I can almost hear him demanding “ where is my supper”! He left a change in my heart, he replaced what was chipped away. No more are there missing pieces, just a small golf ball sized shadow with bad table manners. God spoke to me with Jake, He reminded me what I am here for. You see I think, not all things last, pain, pleasure, or even the companionship of another life. But what remains lasts forever. In me now lives 4 days of happiness that are one of a kind days.
I’m gonna miss you buddy, you did for me something no person could do. I am sorry I could not do for you what a real mother dove could do.


My friend is not gone, he just changed. His feathers are full, wings work now, and he is feeling the rush of an ethereal wind. And he sees me, always. Now I should like to go outside and feed the birds. After all he reminded me what I’m here for.

It is not about sadness and loss, It is about the lesson. The littlest ones speak the loudest.